Fucking hell.

OK, son of a bitch. I just tried to cut the meat cats' nails, and out of fucking nowhere, one of the furry cats decides to fruit the fuck out on me.

He announces, proudly in fact, that one of the meat cats has chosen to urinate on my work pants. I instruct him to please rinse them in the tub before the piss smell soaks into my one pair of pants I can still wear to $place_of_employment, and I hear him turn the shower on, and come out looking triumphant. "They crapped in the tub too, so now your pants have crap and piss on them. Oh, and the drain has stopped up!"

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

After rescuing my pants, and clearing the tub with the aid of a plunger, el gato grande decides to go make hot dogs.

"Crap!" he exclaimed. "Oh, they're just on fire a little bit. I know my food is done when the microwave fills with smoke."

Someone help me, I'm surrounded by cats.